falling so fast

Just a quick peek-a-boo ... I haven't been in for a few days and I just wanted to up date everyone with my whole transformation thing. I can say that at this point I am going through some rough waters.

Let's put it this way..If I had a gun I probably would of put one in py dome, the funny thing is that I am too afraid to die. Not too physically die but the whole what happens when you die. I guess I am not ready cause the whole light thing petrifies me.

You are always hurt by the ones you love. They make it the hardest on you. Cause they know you and should understand you but they either dont care or they want to hurt you. Anyways hurt is pain and pain should not come from people in your life. That's all I will say. As you can see it is not that easy going back to the place you first started. There is a reason why you are where you are in your l ife . Something got you there. And for me it was plain hurt. So unravelling all the hurt is hard especially when it is coming back again in the same form you remember it. Anyways I am not giving up and I thank god that I am here another day. It was so nice out today very pleasant weather 58 degrees and partly cloudy. I thank god for the weather too. Well see you soon....bye

nothing can defile

Tired am I. I did some spring cleaning yesterday and I am completely tired. I am feeling it this morning. I mean really feeling it. Imma have to go get some tea to perk up a little. I have found new places of pain on my body. Sore is not the word. It seems that you dont use these muscles unless you or cleaning or something cause they dont hurt any other time.

We got a lot done though. I mean our utility room was getting crazy. I also cleaned out my computer parts drawer. I mean that was getting dangerous. I probably could have built a robot like Big O or something.

Anyways, I came about a bible verse that really put things into perspective with me trying to change or reverse the poisoning of my wretched soul(lol), but seriously it did help a bunch.

Mark 7:15

There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile him.

Simply the way I see it is that no matter what comes in will not defile you. It is what comes out that shows that you have these things in your heart.

You can walk in a world of deceit and crime and not be a crook, what determines you to be a crook is the minute you do it. I hope that made sense. Well it helps me cause I was not evil until I started being a meanie. It helps to show that even though things around me cause pain it doesnt mean for me to act this out to try and get rid of it.

Okies enough of that cause like I said I dont want you to think that I am getting preachy. I just wanted to share that I am doing to help me get back to me.

when the changing gets tough

Two days and I am still kinda being mean, it is a work in progress type thing. I know it is going to take time but it is a tough thing. I am just starting to catch myself when I feel the beast ready to unleash the pain. I am going to try and invest my time more wisely into things that I call relaxing. Also I am going to be starting a blog on linux. I think I am seasoned enough to give people my thoughts on different distros so hopefully those of you that are interested will get a chance to check it out. Also I have to get some time to start a script, there is a writing contest coming up and I would love to get involved in it.

Whose your Daddy?

Sorry for the ranting, but there are so many things racing through me that I have to get them out. I cant wait to get home to have fun with my kids. They probably have not seen their real dad in a long time. I'm talking about the one that used to play with them all the time. The one that had time for them and not working allthe time. So I have 2 more hours.. oh heck maybe ill leave at 5:30 today instead. Coming home to have fun today ..... all work and no play makes dad a dull boy!!!

shedding the old skin

Oh my I think I started something terrible, cause I really did not know that many people thought I was a jerk, but hey truth and confession help to purify the soul. After talking to a few close friends, I feel so much better. I feel freer then I did when I walked out of the house. I am less burdened, but I have so far to walk that I cant celebrate right now. The first step is admitting, now I have to move forward with the actual conversion. It seems that most of the time that I try and change I know if it is good after three months or so, and I have a couple people to kick me back into place if I start drifting toward the Mr. Hyde . Hopefully the demons will be vanquished and gone. Have faith in me dear friends.......

Hello Jekyll where have you been?

Well , I have a lot to say today and it may mean nothing to you all reading this but I think it is time to return to what worked for me. Now I know that I have only posted four times thus far but I think in a moment or two you will understand.

Years back I must say I was the sweetest guy. I mean I was the type that would take his coat off and lay it over a puddle for a woman, but over the years I must say... I have become an eville bastard. I basically became eville because I was treated like crap by those around me. I mean I was treated like dirt by friends, women and bosses. I mean my name should have been mat because I was being walked all over and was taken advantage of.. I never learned that I should not be so nice until a few years back. Unfortunately for those in my life they got the conversion of eville me full tilt and they are unhappy. I went from Jekyll to Hyde and I have been fighting this thing for a long time.

I know those reading this probably is saying you are crazy and need help. That might be rightfully so, but really I think it is very simple. Basically since I never have been mean to people it was like I went from nice to mean without trying to give the poison to those who really deserved it. Everyone got the rotten apple and I didn’t care. Now I have to take this new treacherous me and dispose of him.

Being nice was what I did; being nice was me and I let that get taken away by societies influence. There has to be nice people to balance out the eville in the world. I mean jeez what if everyone changed like me. This world would be doomed!! The other thing is that I am not happy with my life the way it is. I mean being sad and depressed sux!!! Looking at the gloomy things through my glooms day device was terrible. I miss my cheery outlook on life so I am changing the lenses and putting the rosy lenses on again. The thing that helped me excel in this world was the simple fact that I always had a positive way to look at negatives. So I have to step through the looking glass and take a leap of faith back to what I really believed.

Today a special person in my life called me fake. It was like some psychologist snapped his fingers and I woke up. I am a fake. So to all those people that knows me.. You really don't know me. Hopefully y our will get to know who I really am, but let me tell you right now....:

1. I am not perfect
2. I can be a dick if you piss me off
3. I am a momma's boy
4. I do clean but not as much as I profess
5. my wife is a wonderful person
6. I said things to get attention
7. I played martyr
8. I am honest only when I have to be
9. I was a big time theif
   
10. I did not lie about being good in bed ( but who cares I am married anyway)
11. I do look at other women, but I don’t try to get them into bed or anything
12. I agreed with you even when you were wrong cause well it made you like me better
13. I am shy
14. I can be quiet
15. I am more intelligent then I act
16. I like kinds of music including country
17. I like all movies including chick flicks and westerns
18. I am a lover of human beings
19. I probably need a psychiatrist to deal with some issues, but who doesn't
20. I really wish I had finished college
21. I hate where I live
22. I want a lot more out of life, like money
23. I really want to be a screen writer, but don’t have the time
24. I am a Christian and not Wiccan
25. I only tried wiccanism cause I thought it was cool, but really did not believe in it
26. I am not cool, I am your average nerd/geek
27. I hate the way I look
28. I wish I was thinner
29. I smoked to look cool, but quit a month ago today
30. never did any kind of drugs at all ( seriously) except alcohol, but not on a heavy scale
    
31. I am vegetarian, but still will eat chicken or fish once and a while

Well I think that is it, but if not I will post and addendum....

I was trying to be so different that it made me unhappy and depressed. It is hard fighting the way you really are on a daily basis. It wears on you. I was so afraid. I was tired of being taken advantaged of; that I let things in my life go. Like my bond with Christ. I am not going to get preachy, but when you live one way for 23 years and then change it takes a lot out of you. Hopefully I can figure things out and get back to me, it should not be hard. It may take some time, but time is all I got to spend trying to right any wrongs, and hopefully people forgive me for being an idiot. I don’t know if I will keep this blog going or not, because it is something that reflects me of then and yesterday. We will see, because the only way you can change is to see what you were and remember. Well got to go.. Thanks for reading along... I got send this to some people...... People that really need to know me.

lost , I guess

I look down into the chasm of life that I created, and cant help to think that the people in my life could have done better. Seems like most people around me are always upset or depressed. It just seems that I could of made life better for them if I had tried harder earlier. I mean I am trying very hard now to make sure everyone is happy, but I think I am really aging because of the stress I place on myself. Oh well all I can do is make sure they have something when I am gone.

Push n' Pull

What the hell !!! Was just viewing my bank account online and guess what...... I am 400 poorer!!!! I guess wifey poo wanted to go on a spending spree. Seems like it is hard as hell keeping money in the bank especially when you have a family. Every time you turn around there is another hundred gone cause this one wants to play soccer or karate. I mean gone too, cause half way through they quit or something. I know what you are thinking.... You are saying well why dont you make them stick it out.. Well my philosophy is if they want out then dont torture them. That's like torture to a kid. They just won't sign up again through my pockets. They just better go see gradma or grandpa for that shit next time. I was a kid that had to follow through with all teams and things that I joined, and it was like pain to continue through things. I mean I had to fake an ijury to get out of some of things I was obligated to do. Anyways the point I am trying to make is that money freakign disappears like rain down the damn gutter!!!!

coupled for life

Thoughts swim through my mind
about me, about you, about us....
I wonder if we can make it through this world
can we fight the plight that every couple faces
can we concentrate and tolerate the things each other do
can we show preserverance and continue on hand in hand
wife, husband, man, woman

So many couples in this world cant last for a year or two
What takes it for a spouses to make it through
It has to be more then love, it has to me more then caring
Love drives you to care about a person
but when that person is getting on your last nerve
you want so bad to throw them through a window
Caring tells you not to because you dont want them to meet their demise
You have to learn to work together and tolerate the bad time
help each other through

The begginning of the end

Damn how did I even get myself into this? I mean I was so against the whole blogging thing and now here it is. What makes a person just break down and give in? I dont know. I think it probably has something to do with not feeling as though you have a voice in anything. Or on the other hand, you have so much to say that when you speak people listen. Jeez I wonder which one of those characters I fit.

Well I guess instead of babble I need to say something witty that makes people shake their heads in agreement, or something so controversial that they disagree. Hmmm, I am not to good at this so I think I will say nothing to fit either of those and keep on going with the babble to I hit a nerve. Who says that anyone is going to read this anyway. I mean this is a place for me to vent. Not to share. I wont be giving this out on business cards and saying," hey check out my new blog!" I guess really I am more concerned with making sure my spelling and punctuation is correct even in this word of spell and grammar programs.

Things lately have been building up on me. I feel as though I carry a huge weight on my shoulders. Being a father of 4 at 33 is something and a husband to top it off. I guess I really never knew how difficult it could get. Being responsible for 5 other people plus myself is driving me nutz. Every one of my decisions effects my family. Every move I make could send us spiralling to the bottom of a spikey pit. Then I have to pick everyone up strap them to my tether and carry the weight up the mountain of shit.

My time has gotten shorter over the days and weeks also. There is no more time for me. I am a poet, screenwriter and musician with no time. None what so ever!!! They say you have to create a balance so that you include you in your plans. Well I think I have thrown me right out the window. Hopefully me blogging wont be one of those things I start and end up forgetting ornot having enough time. In reality the only time I have for me is at my desk at work. Most of everything I have done for myself has been a work venture. I mean I work at work too, but I have time once and a while to sneak things in.

If you havent notice I am scattered in my thoughts you may have to keep track, because I have one of those brains that seem to have thoughts every five minutes. I wont include my wife and kids names in my blogs, but I think you wil get to know them very well. The most important things is that you learn who I am, you take a piece of my thoughts, music and stories. This is my world to express me. Onward to bigger and better destinations off with you !!!! be gone tilst the next time......