Hello Jekyll where have you been?

Well , I have a lot to say today and it may mean nothing to you all reading this but I think it is time to return to what worked for me. Now I know that I have only posted four times thus far but I think in a moment or two you will understand.

Years back I must say I was the sweetest guy. I mean I was the type that would take his coat off and lay it over a puddle for a woman, but over the years I must say... I have become an eville bastard. I basically became eville because I was treated like crap by those around me. I mean I was treated like dirt by friends, women and bosses. I mean my name should have been mat because I was being walked all over and was taken advantage of.. I never learned that I should not be so nice until a few years back. Unfortunately for those in my life they got the conversion of eville me full tilt and they are unhappy. I went from Jekyll to Hyde and I have been fighting this thing for a long time.

I know those reading this probably is saying you are crazy and need help. That might be rightfully so, but really I think it is very simple. Basically since I never have been mean to people it was like I went from nice to mean without trying to give the poison to those who really deserved it. Everyone got the rotten apple and I didn’t care. Now I have to take this new treacherous me and dispose of him.

Being nice was what I did; being nice was me and I let that get taken away by societies influence. There has to be nice people to balance out the eville in the world. I mean jeez what if everyone changed like me. This world would be doomed!! The other thing is that I am not happy with my life the way it is. I mean being sad and depressed sux!!! Looking at the gloomy things through my glooms day device was terrible. I miss my cheery outlook on life so I am changing the lenses and putting the rosy lenses on again. The thing that helped me excel in this world was the simple fact that I always had a positive way to look at negatives. So I have to step through the looking glass and take a leap of faith back to what I really believed.

Today a special person in my life called me fake. It was like some psychologist snapped his fingers and I woke up. I am a fake. So to all those people that knows me.. You really don't know me. Hopefully y our will get to know who I really am, but let me tell you right now....:

1. I am not perfect
2. I can be a dick if you piss me off
3. I am a momma's boy
4. I do clean but not as much as I profess
5. my wife is a wonderful person
6. I said things to get attention
7. I played martyr
8. I am honest only when I have to be
9. I was a big time theif
   
10. I did not lie about being good in bed ( but who cares I am married anyway)
11. I do look at other women, but I don’t try to get them into bed or anything
12. I agreed with you even when you were wrong cause well it made you like me better
13. I am shy
14. I can be quiet
15. I am more intelligent then I act
16. I like kinds of music including country
17. I like all movies including chick flicks and westerns
18. I am a lover of human beings
19. I probably need a psychiatrist to deal with some issues, but who doesn't
20. I really wish I had finished college
21. I hate where I live
22. I want a lot more out of life, like money
23. I really want to be a screen writer, but don’t have the time
24. I am a Christian and not Wiccan
25. I only tried wiccanism cause I thought it was cool, but really did not believe in it
26. I am not cool, I am your average nerd/geek
27. I hate the way I look
28. I wish I was thinner
29. I smoked to look cool, but quit a month ago today
30. never did any kind of drugs at all ( seriously) except alcohol, but not on a heavy scale
    
31. I am vegetarian, but still will eat chicken or fish once and a while

Well I think that is it, but if not I will post and addendum....

I was trying to be so different that it made me unhappy and depressed. It is hard fighting the way you really are on a daily basis. It wears on you. I was so afraid. I was tired of being taken advantaged of; that I let things in my life go. Like my bond with Christ. I am not going to get preachy, but when you live one way for 23 years and then change it takes a lot out of you. Hopefully I can figure things out and get back to me, it should not be hard. It may take some time, but time is all I got to spend trying to right any wrongs, and hopefully people forgive me for being an idiot. I don’t know if I will keep this blog going or not, because it is something that reflects me of then and yesterday. We will see, because the only way you can change is to see what you were and remember. Well got to go.. Thanks for reading along... I got send this to some people...... People that really need to know me.