Distortion

I feel like I am in some kind of state where there is nothing but white noise filling my every move. Like no matter what I do nothing changes. Its weird to explain. I try to help people in my life and try to be there for them, but it seems no matter how hard I work to make their life better just ends up on the floor. All of my callings from the distance fall straight to the floor.

Being a provider is one of the hardest things in the world. Specially if you are a financial, spiritual, psychological, and health provider. The thing is that people dont ask me for help. They just hint by acting out. You know what I am talking about? They change their facial expressions, or body language in hopes that I see them and begin to go into reaction mode.

I wish people would just spit it out. It is becoming really exhausting. The gods didnt give me esp, or spidey senses. So it always seems as though I am ten steps behind. At least spider man had the spidey thing going, and batman had the bat signal to let him know when there was a problem out there some where. I have come to grips that I am not superman either. I try hard though.

Guess I am getting kinda exhausted with my chase / race to be a saviour. the thing is that I can never give up. These people depend on me. Its not like its co-workers and such. They are people very close to me and dear to my heart.

It kills me that if I miss something, anything at all. It may lead to a trip through hell. The worst of it is that I dont even know what that trip could be. I guess that is what scares me the most. The inevitable. The unknown. Would I want to deal with those rather than deal with the self placed 'S' on my chest?

I am not sure. I dont think I could deal with the after math. what ever it may be.

The one thing that is happening though is the my view of things is becoming so distorted. I used to know exactly where I was headed. I knew where I wanted to be in l ife, but now its a slippery slope.

We all make changes in our life. We make choices to try and do what is best. It seems as though the choices I make are not making any one happy or satisfied. Fight the demons, fight the dragons. Fight through the night what ever I can do to head those things off at the pass. Run blindly through the fog in hopes that when I reach the end there will be a hazy dot of light saying "yes this is the right direction". I struggle to run towards what I think will be the light of land, but seems that I swim further out into the sea amongst the sharks, and sea monsters. The light is nothing but their evil grins welcoming to the shadows of my invited death.

The thing that they do not know is that though there be a dismal look of concern and even fear on my face. The light of hoe and faith burn brightly inside of me. I will not give up no matter what, and will not go down with out a fight. So smile your brightest smile, cause once you enter into my six sided ring of fire be ready to dance with me the devil's plaything until you take my last breath away.