Distortion

I feel like I am in some kind of state where there is nothing but white noise filling my every move. Like no matter what I do nothing changes. Its weird to explain. I try to help people in my life and try to be there for them, but it seems no matter how hard I work to make their life better just ends up on the floor. All of my callings from the distance fall straight to the floor.

Being a provider is one of the hardest things in the world. Specially if you are a financial, spiritual, psychological, and health provider. The thing is that people dont ask me for help. They just hint by acting out. You know what I am talking about? They change their facial expressions, or body language in hopes that I see them and begin to go into reaction mode.

I wish people would just spit it out. It is becoming really exhausting. The gods didnt give me esp, or spidey senses. So it always seems as though I am ten steps behind. At least spider man had the spidey thing going, and batman had the bat signal to let him know when there was a problem out there some where. I have come to grips that I am not superman either. I try hard though.

Guess I am getting kinda exhausted with my chase / race to be a saviour. the thing is that I can never give up. These people depend on me. Its not like its co-workers and such. They are people very close to me and dear to my heart.

It kills me that if I miss something, anything at all. It may lead to a trip through hell. The worst of it is that I dont even know what that trip could be. I guess that is what scares me the most. The inevitable. The unknown. Would I want to deal with those rather than deal with the self placed 'S' on my chest?

I am not sure. I dont think I could deal with the after math. what ever it may be.

The one thing that is happening though is the my view of things is becoming so distorted. I used to know exactly where I was headed. I knew where I wanted to be in l ife, but now its a slippery slope.

We all make changes in our life. We make choices to try and do what is best. It seems as though the choices I make are not making any one happy or satisfied. Fight the demons, fight the dragons. Fight through the night what ever I can do to head those things off at the pass. Run blindly through the fog in hopes that when I reach the end there will be a hazy dot of light saying "yes this is the right direction". I struggle to run towards what I think will be the light of land, but seems that I swim further out into the sea amongst the sharks, and sea monsters. The light is nothing but their evil grins welcoming to the shadows of my invited death.

The thing that they do not know is that though there be a dismal look of concern and even fear on my face. The light of hoe and faith burn brightly inside of me. I will not give up no matter what, and will not go down with out a fight. So smile your brightest smile, cause once you enter into my six sided ring of fire be ready to dance with me the devil's plaything until you take my last breath away.

Paperless is simple

In lieu of thinking about what I can do to submit a post to Action day I found myself sitting at my desk in work thinking and pondering(strike that reverse it) about what I can do or what I am doing to help the environment. As I am sitting thinking that I am a good for nothing because I have no clue of what I am doing to help. Someone walks in my office with a pay check and screams "paper killer!" . Then it came to me, at that moment I realized that I am helping the environment because I have gone paperless with everything I can. Everything including bills and mailings I have registered with companies to just send me an email with the information. I pay 98% of my bills online eliminating the need for checks and stamps.

See its that easy. register as many things as you possibly can to go paperless. I don't even get bank statements or taxes in the mail anymore. It all goes straight to my email account. The great thing is that you have a history of every bill, and confimations of paying those bills or whatever type of transactions you do.

Go Paperless! Next I am looking into a diesel car so that I can get in with the biofueled cars.

Just remember, change takes time, but you have to take the first step to cause that change.

The nEEd for spEEd

Three... two.... one.. blast off. I have just upgraded to comcast's blast. Tech guys should be by on Tuesday. I am kinda scared cause I really don't like corporate giants like comcast, and nor do I really like giving them more of my money. Fios is not available in my town yet and I have this need for more dl speed. Its not anything about illegally downloading music, as some would think, its just the fact that it is inherent of my human nature to be impatient of a web page to take 10 secs to download. Dont get me wrong 10 secs is fast but "I want it now" as violet in Willy WOnka states. Believe me there is a plan for myself to abandon the clutches or at least loosen the clutches that comcast has on me. For instance, we, in my house, are note tv junkies. we are more of video game and internet junkies than anything. So I have the great Idea to use my my new found speed to watch things on the interwebs. Makes sense right? NO?

Well lets put it this way. We waste our money in our house on endless reruns of shows, and crappy cable tv. There is nothing ever on HBO, Showtime, Cinemax etc. So I got that removed. Most of the channels we watch ie: Discovery, Animal planet, Sci fi, you know educational stuff for the most part, show plenty of things, but they really don't have the depth of tv that requires me to be paying so much monthly. So instead I figure that we stream everything once the time is right.

Well let me just say that Comcast is so backward that when I went to disconnect my tv, and up the bandwidth that me not having cable and just internet was going to cost me 67.95(of course this was the blast service) I was like waaat? so the lady takes me through a spiel of questions regarding tv services that I watch and it ends up that cable tv with my upgraded internet is exactly 67.95...? again waaat!? now of course there is no more premium cable channels and I get to have my discovery and such(basically a beefed up analog service), but I dont need that stuff. I guess you are thinking well that was self defeating, and i say not really, cause I was paying about 160 for service. So I cut it in half cause when it was all said and done I ended up paying about 80 bucks(keeping the converters and stuff like that, you know taxes) . We'll keep it for another few months, but there are so many other avenues to be entertained. There is joost.. there is tvlinks, youtube, and every station is providing archived episodes, and we can get news broadcast too.

So why in the world am I paying for something that I do not need. I am actually waiting for verizon fios to come to our area, and then I will drop tv. cause it will be cheaper to go with them and get 20 megs instead of the 16 that I have or will have soon.

The plan is still going to be move away from tv completely but I figured that I could record things to my mythdora box (Mythtv is the wave of the future and mythdora is one of the surf boards to ride it. )I know some are like mythtv? mythdora? No worries I will blog about that soon.

Im Back Biznitches!!

Well well, I mean wtf is happening. Long time no hear from me I know and gawd do I really miss this dusty place. I have to blow the dust off the mind and get crackin. I was poking around on wifey's message board and saw a link to the mind of me. Wow I really have not been here in at least a year or almost two.

There has been so much that happened since I have put down the keyboard and I dont even know where to start.

We left off with me going through a second job, a haunt from the past, and even new haunting discoveries.

Lets see now.. I left my last job with my pop's company. Let me tell you working for family has its ups and downs and they are mostly downs.

My dad's partner was a bastard! He worked me hard like a hebrew slave and had no sympathy or appreciation of what I did for the company. Long story short, I cam in to the company as a project manager and left as a used up whore. I gained this company over 3 million in one year and they still wanted to keep poking me in the ass. I mean I worked like 18 hour days had all kinds of helath problems from the stress, and more over than that almost lost my wife and kids cause I was never home. I have learned a lot from working there, and boy am I glad its over.

Currently I work for a large IT company based outta Jersey City, and it is the shiznit!! I mean I love this place. I get free coffee, and soda and lunch. I am able to work from home time to time and hang out with wifey. Things have definitely gotten better.

Anyways, Imma bust outta here and update you with what is what and I have some crazy things to talk about this time around. Hopefully it will improve your outlook on life, career and what not. Just remember no matter what keep on keeping on and it is not always as bad as you think it is.

visitors at the door

No Sleep!!!! I feel like warmed over spaghetti. My parents are coming over to burn some cd's. My mom is an aerobics instructor and personal trainer. I get to hear about how I'm not healthy and need to l ose weight. Its not that I am seriously fat, but with my dad's recent stroke back in september she is now on everyone. Yup... I will get the speech about working two full time jobs and what not.

I look like crap right now and have not yet showered since I got home from the second job at 7am...eeewwww!!!!! I guess maybe I need to do that before they get here in an hour or so. I try to get as much rest as possible and showering is not on the top of my list. Dont get me wrong I will make it into the shower and all. I just want to take a load off. Me and wifey ran around the house to make sure we tidy up. That would be another strike in the books for momma and I dont want that. Can you imagine? I look like crap and the house sloppy..... Dont want to strike out. I know this isnt the deepest part of my mind I am blogging but still it helps me relax so...anyways I guess I am going to finish getting myslef and things ready and I'll check in later.

Worki ng overtime

Damn two jobs in the cooker and it seems as though I dont get anywhere, well my first check at walmart was kinda lite I am hoping it is better next week. Just hope I am not killing myself for nothing.

Man they kill you in that place for the little bit of bread they pay. Run here then there and do this and that. I work harder at walmart then I have ever in my life. Its like they want to sqeeze blood from you and then makes you mop it up.

Damn it!!! Damn it all straight to hell!!!!

I am getting used to my sleep schedule between jobs. night till the morning the morning to the evening. Seems like I am not getting the zzzz's I am supposed to, but my pockets arent going to be hurting as bad. I also miss my tasty morsel Tawnea. We dont see one anothet hardly and it is really getting yo me.

I know those of you are saying as you read this "shut up you little whining sissy, at least you are employed. " There are people who dont have a job and would take yours if they could, but then again no one wants to work at walmart that is for high schol and college kids. But hey its work and makes me feel like I am doing something to get my family on its feet.

Well my eyes are getting tired so ill end this.

choke on it you little bitch

Dont youhate when someone has the audacity to act as though they are your saviour when you were fine doing things for yourself!!! This chick acts as though because she gives me a ride to the train station that she is the shit!!!GRRRRR!!!! She doesnt think about the cd's I burn for her all the time. Its not only for her but mom father and husband. the funny thing is her husband is a IT guy. Fucking stop being a chicken shit and do it for your self you little bitch. You act as though you are really saving me from harm...Wtf!!! You need to get off the high horse before you fall off and crack your skull!!! I am so angry!!!

warped puddin

Man I feel like I was just sent through a warp engine, and was shot out into space. I have cleared the hurtle of 72 hours of no sleep with plenty to go. I dont know if it is plain insomnia or this damn job. Smoking is my only saviour now. It is keeping me stable as I sit here at my desk. My brain feels like the crumbs from the point of a pencil that has just broken off. I hope I can lay down at least a little before I head into my second gig. No rest for the wery you know!!

look-out !!! Incoming!!!!

besides me being tired it has been one of those days. To make it short....I might have to find another place to live. It has been hard as hell for me today I just wish I could switch the valve on and relieve the pressure.

still standing

Man its the fourth day working and Ill tell you I am beat..but I am still standing...today I have not had sleep for 30 hours..I have to go back in tonight..but im still standing..Couple of times I nodded off really quick , but hey im still standing and strong. However I hope that I get some sleep tonight know what I mean?